04/30/12 – Mawwiage

As soon as we returned to dry land, the question of “How’s married life?” popped up.  (Advice on married life began long before the wedding itself, of course, as if the ability to say “Yes, dear” is something I needed to be repeatedly told to learn.)  I was finally asked by email today, and I thought I’d share with you my response:

Married life is vastly different. There are things I don’t think anyone warned me about. Perhaps it’s like the taste of air. We know what it is and we all assume it’s the same, so we don’t talk about it. The tail for instance. Since it sprouted from my coccyx, I’ve had a devil of a time getting comfortable in my seat. The x-ray vision I suddenly gained seemed interesting at first, but it only appears to work through men’s loafers. I’m still trying to figure out how that’s useful. I’ve also begun to grow hair there. And by there, I mean—of course—my inner elbows.

These physical changes naturally lead to mental and, to a degree, emotional changes. I’m constantly thinking of tail comfort now and wondering if anyone notices it. I’m also constantly disgusted by men’s grooming habits of their feet. The new hair, despite its itchiness, has given me something of a testosterone boost. I now feel more masculine…able to take on the world. Some might say it’s even too aggressive. People at the supermarket were horrified this weekend when I punched a small child in the face. Once I pointed to my new inner elbow hair and gave a wink, they nodded their acknowledgement. Some even took photos.

tl;dr version: It’s good, thanks.

“They are so wasted on myself.  They are so wasted on myself…” – Nero’s “Promises”